and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
