Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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