Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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