Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
