ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
