Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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