so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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