she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You ruined the universe
Randomize
