So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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