i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
