Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize