You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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