I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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