these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
