smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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