Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
