Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
