Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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