Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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