You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
