Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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