Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
