I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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