i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
