hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize