Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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