i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
