We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
