I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize