My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
