Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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