Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
