So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
