could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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