Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
