saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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