Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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