She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
