i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
