two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
