I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
