just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
