She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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