come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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