We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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