so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
