the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
