I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize