If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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