I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
