Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
