3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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