i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
