there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
