In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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