He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
