rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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