I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
