his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
