We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
