Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
