Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
