Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
